The Adventures of Captain Hero
by Kwahzutah
Summary: Zack Fair is Captain Hero, defender of the Lifestream! He brings peace and justice! And jellybeans! Rating for later chapters.
1. Dr Loveless

Heh, hopefully this will get a few laughs.

Disclaimer:I do not own Final Fantasy or it's characters. If I did, it would be a Yaoi paradise.

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I peered around the corner. Ha, this villain was nothing compared to me! I jumped out at him.

"I, CAPTAIN HERO, DEFENDER OF THE LIFESTREAM, CHALLENGE YOU!! YOU VILLAIN, YOU WRETCH, DR. LOVELESS YOU ARE NOTHING!!!"

Genesis turned to look at me, a baffled expression on his face. So he should be! I saw him stealing that carton of orange juice yesterday! The green lights of the lifestream set his face aglow, and the white marble buildings around us matched it. Heh, I would soon infiltrate his stronghold of evil!

As I went to hit him with a noodle(like the ones used in a swimming pool) he raised an arm to block.

"You are no match for me!"

"What are you doing?!"

"I bring peace and happiness to the lifestream! Return the orange juice you stole!"

He dodged my next attack;I went flying into a wall.

"I didn't STEAL the juice! There's no such thing as stealing in the lifestream!"

"Of course a villain would say that!" I got up and ran at him, this time the noodle smacked him upside the head, knocking him onto his stomach. I placed a foot on his back in a display of victory. Of course I was the victor!

"I, Captain Hero, have defeated yet another criminal! Feel the powers of justice at my fingertips, the thunder of glory! There is no evil that can match my battle prowess!"

Genesis groaned. "Zack, let me up."

"Ha! Your empty threats can do naught against my noodle of truth!"

"Your..Noodle?"

"Only a coward would make Captain Hero out to be a pervert!"

"Everyone saw how you used to look at Cloud."

"I was doing my duty, protecting him from the tyranny of deception!"

"Let me up."

"Nice try Dr. Loveless!"

"I'll give you a bag of jellybeans if you do."

"Tempting, but I have never succumbed to that sort of offer!"

"There's every color of the rainbow."

I stopped. What could represent truth and justice better than rainbow colored jellybeans? Maybe Dr. Loveless was more honest than I gave him credit for. I took my foot off of his back, even going so far as to help him up.

He reached into his jacket and pulled out the promised reward.

"I thak you for your generosity. I shall now extend to you an offer of companionship!! Think wisely before making your choice! It should be the righteous decision!"

"Umm...Thanks?"

I struck a pose, and gave him a million dollar grin, along with a thumbs up.

The sound of footsteps behind me alerted me to another presence. I turned to see Angeal, my comrade. Otherwise known as the Sword of Honor! What a justice filled name!

"What in the lifestream are you doing Zack!?"

"I have converted yet another to our cause!"

"What cause?!"

"The peace of the lifestream!"

He put a hand over his face. He may act embarassed, but I knew that he really fought alongside me!


	2. Strip Poker

I do not own Finall Fantasy or it's characters. If I did, it would be a yaoi paradise.

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I peered suspiciously at Genesis.

"Why would I want to play _strip poker_?"

He gave a seemingly innocent grin. "You need a night off! Remember, even truth, justice and righteousness need to rest. Then they can function at their optimal level!"

Well, that did make sense. He was right! The thunder of my glory would need a night off! And, in playing strip poker, my body, a symbol of lawfullness, would make any villain surrender to see!

"There will be jellybeans..."

"Fair enough, I will represent honor in a game of strip poker!"

We arrived at some random house that we called Angeal's house, though we aren't sure he actually owns it. Which made me wonder why I hadn't called him out on it yet.

I burst through the door. "Alright, who's ready to see this righteous, touchable body!!"

Angeal stared up at me and blinked slowly. He was sitting at the kitchen table, a deck of cards in front of him. Genesis and I sat(retard stole the good seat: the non-sqeaky one) and the game began.

Thirty minutes into the game, Genesis had lost his gloves, jacket, and shirt, angeal had lost nothing, and I was left in my boxers, arguing about the previous hand.

"No! Justice is not capable of losing! I am the ultimate, the powerful, _the sexy_-"

Genesis interrupted "If you're so _sexy_, why don't you show us that _sexy_ body?"

I threw a handful of jellybeans, along with some sound effects. The door was hurled open and Hojo stepped through.

"Do you know what that ungrateful brat has done!?" He shrieked "Sephiroth has gone and resurrected himself! He's left! Now who am I supposed to lose to in scrabble!?"

I stood only to strike a pose. "Ha! That is what vermin like you deserve!"

Genesis rolled his eyes. "Go away so we can watch 'Captain Hero' hurry up and strip!"

Hojo sniffed. "Fine. WHY DOESN"T ANYONE LIKE ME!?" He ran out screaming.

Angeal and Genesis watched me expectantly.

"No way."

They shared a look before descending on me.

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"Ow! Cut it out!"

"I don't think that was supposed to go there."

"Oh well, it can't be too uncomfortable."

"Yes it is, it's pulling!"

"Hey, Angeal, why don't you try wetting it first?"

"I put it in his mouth;I think it's wet enough."

"Damn, you wretch! It tasted funny!"

"Even after we dipped it in that chocolate?"

"The chocolate was really cold."

I crossed my arms. "Why am I wearing a maid dress!? And get rid of that bow! It's pulling my hair!


End file.
